Oct 20, 2019

After a weekend where I did not feel relaxed and it was visible to the wife as well, here I am back on the road to khor al zubair. And I am wondering where do I go from here? I want to exit but still feel like there is one last punch remaining in me. An opportunity where I can give these naysayers something to remember. I played PKs rant back in my head almost in a continuous loop- and then began my beautifully framed repartees- well considered and well articulated coming back at him- except I was talking to myself in my backyard with a smoke in my hand. And this was obviously not the first time I reacted this way when jerked around by power. I often wanted to punch back at power- but failed every time- the dominance hierarchy that has been ingrained in our genes for 300 million years of life ( it exists even in crustaceans) kept making me shrink and bring forth considerations of fear- that I - and by extension those in my care- could somehow be harmed if I spoke my mind to power. 


Leaving aside all the feedback from PK- which was baseless anyway- I still felt I was a worthy leader capable of greater heights in Shell. Not the autocratic despot of militaristic extraction, neither the ex-mckinsey consultant of megalomaniacal extraction- but a leader nevertheless. A sensitive, empathetic facilitator who took the time to understand what made the wheels go around.


But the reality is that I did not apply to many roles in the MSC org- nor did anyone tell me to apply for more roles than I had. Now there is talk about one particular role for which they did not find good enough candidates and were intending to go external. And I am torn. If I get this role then I have a role. If I don’t , I am still searching and after the MSC ship has sailed there is precious little for me to make a beeline for. It is more a case of limping along to the end of my tenure at shell. It would have been 13 years so somehow I think it is the right time to leave. I know this and have got my mind around it but my colleagues and co workers don’t think I mean it- and are far more stressed it would seem about my predicament than I.


If I get the role- I have officially been sidelined

If I don’t get the role- either I suck or someone high up has been doing a job on me.


Damned both ways...


Meanwhile far lesser people have thrived and are getting promoted like no one’s business. Right before me very eyes- lord what pain and anguish can be inflicted without any conventional weaponry nor without a clearly identifiable inflictor. 


JP makes so much sense when he describes agreeable people.  If you are too agreeable you don’t know how to negotiate for yourself. You don’t challenge or put your foot down and let yourself be manipulated thus usually left holding the short end of the stick. And complaining that life is unfair. This really needs to be fixed in my interiority - atleast an effort needs to be made here. And if it cant be fixed, it needs to be acknowledged and set aside. 



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